How We Use Anger

by Kaleb Montgomery, Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine

Anger is a complicated emotion. On the one hand in our society misused anger and rage are definitely the root of many problems. We only have to look at the violent crime splashed all over the media to confirm this. On the other hand anger can also be a very useful emotion.

We often use anger to give us the courage to protect ourselves. By protecting ourselves I do not just mean from a physical threat. Threats can be physical, but in our society, the threats we face everyday are more often due to mental or emotional boundaries being crossed than physical ones.

An example of me putting up a healthy boundary is telling a co-worker that I will not lend him another book until he returns the last two I lent him. If I do not put up this particular boundary I will keep lending my BBC (Book Borrowing Colleague) my books when I do not want to keep doing so. Things then start to go awry.

Soon I may start resenting BBC each time he even asks to borrow a book. Eventually my resentment could spill over into dislike. I might even snap when BBC asks to use just a pen or the stapler. All my pent up resentment might spew forth with angry hurtful words about how unreliable and untrustworthy a person BBC is and how I will never lend him anything ever again.

In the above example I used anger to do something I am scared to do. I am scared to tell BBC that I have a problem with lending him things and him not returning them. However my anger was misdirected. I yelled at him for wanting to borrow the stapler when it is the unreturned books that I am upset about. If I am aware enough to realize what is bothering me, after my outburst I will say that I am actually upset about the unreturned books, and that I want him to bring them back. If I am not aware then BBC storms out hurt and confused and I am left frustrated and probably still steaming mad. Things would have been simpler if I had only told BBC about my problem with the unreturned books before I started building up resentment towards him. Then I would not need to use anger to give me the courage to voice my concerns.

Using my example as a guide, go back and look at the last time you were angry. Was the anger just built up resentment? If so where could you have made your boundaries firmer so the situation did not have to get to the point where you needed to use anger to voice your concerns.

As you can see anger is not necessarily a negative emotion. We use anger to help us do the things we are scared of doing. As well anger can be used as a teacher. If employed properly, anger can help us set and communicate our boundaries clearer. Each time you are angry see using anger as a choice you make. This will help you stop blaming the other person and help you get your own power back. After you have cooled down, go back and see what issue was underlying your outburst. This way you are taking responsibility for acting angry and using it to resolve the unresolved problem. Only by going back and dealing with the issue behind the anger will you prevent the resentment from building up again. This one simple habit will go a long way to keeping your stress level down. The energy not wasted in resentment can now be used by your body to keep you healthy.