Fears of Intimacy and Rejection

by Kaleb Montgomery, Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine

Today we will shed a little light into the dark corners where our fears of intimacy lurk. With only a bit of dusting we can see that a fear of rejection more often than not underlies our fears of intimacy. Fear of being rejected or hurt is what usually keeps us from being vulnerable. Both men and woman share this fear of intimacy and rejection. However, stereotypically each gender expresses this fear differently.

Men generally express their fear of rejection and intimacy by pulling away. When things get too intense or scary we shut down. In one way it is an effective strategy. If we are closed off then we can not get rejected or feel hurt. On the dark side once this behaviour pattern becomes a habit, then it prevents us from opening up and risking rejection to achieve greater intimacy.

It takes courage to go towards what you fear. Running from our fears only leads to unhappiness and ultimately rejection from the people we love. We can only grow as men by seeing our fears of intimacy and rejection and opening up anyway. Blaming our partners for our own fears gets us no where quickly.

Women tend to deal with their fears of intimacy and rejection in the opposite way from men. Instead of shutting down, they open up and just keep giving. Women tend to keep on giving. They are afraid that if they stop giving then their man will never give back and they will be left with a big empty void for a relationship. Women act on their fears of rejection by never leaving a space for the man to give back on his own terms. It is critical to give your partner the space to show their love in a way that is meaningful for them. Leaving space and not constantly demanding attention/love/intimacy shows them that you trust that they will give back to you. As well it shows that you respect yourself enough not to let your energy be sucked away by someone who is not giving back. Only when you show respect for yourself will other people respect you in turn. Show your partner that you will not let him use you. Match what your partner give to you. If he is not giving attention/energy/love back to you, do not give back to him until he does so. Give him the chance to face his fears of intimacy and rejection by giving back to you when he wants to, as opposed to when you want it. By giving all the time you are robbing your partner of an opportunity to grow.

Both strategies lead to a dance where neither partner is happy and intimacy is avoided. The man blames the woman for being too needy and smothering, while the woman blames the man for being distant and emotionally unavailable.

Of course either a man or a woman can fall into either role. No gender has a monopoly on a particular intimacy avoidance behaviour pattern. The point is that both people play a role. The only way to fix the problem is to change your own individual behaviour pattern. If you usually pull away, then face your fears and open up when you are scared to do so. If you give too much then face your fears and wait for your partner to reciprocate before you give again.