by Kaleb Montgomery, Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine

Lately I have noticed a pattern in my patients. Many of them are filled with stress because they can not act or feel as kind/generous/loving as they would like. They try to be understanding, compassionate or loving but end up filled with anxiety or resentment.

Why is this? Every major religion advocates acting with more love, compassion and understanding. Shouldn’t we all try to be more compassionate, loving and understanding?
Of course we should. However, the answer lies in directing some of that understanding and compassion back towards ourselves to help us accept ourselves the way we are now.
The great challenge in personal growth is learning how to love and accept ourselves as we are today while still striving to change and improve. I see irony in learning to love and accept something that will improve and change. This challenge is central to personal and spiritual growth.

Many of us do not feel we are worthy of love because we are not good enough yet. We constantly strive to improve ourselves so one day we can be worthy. As I mentioned earlier this is only half of the battle. The part that is missing is that we all deserve compassion just for being alive. To use a Christian saying, “God loves us all”. We are the ones that judge ourselves unworthy of compassion.

Back to my original point of us feeling anxiety or resentment after trying to be good, this happens because we are trying to be something we are not. We want to feel compassion, but we do not. We feel hurt or angry for example. We then repress the hurt or anger and act as if we feel only love.

Here we are making the mistake of not having compassion for ourselves. It is okay to feel angry or hurt or sad. We do not have to pretend to be something we are not. The Buddhist nun Pema Chodron says, ” Never underestimate the (healing) power of compassionately recognizing where you are now.” Free yourself from the self imposed obligation to be something you are not. Today, compassionately practice being who you actually are and what you really feel.